Provocative "life" questions

I saw these questions on another blog and thought they would act as fodder for an article. They are questions that we typically ask ourselves when we reach a certain age.

Questions people are asking by the decade:

• 20's Who am I? How am I different from my family? What will I do? Am I capable of love? Is there anyone who would love me?
• 30's How do I cope with the demands of life and all these people who want a piece of me? What can't I follow through? How come I feel like I can never please anyone? What happened to my friends?
• 40's What happened to me as a child? Why are others doing better than me? Why am I so disappointed in myself? Isn't it supposed to be better than this dull-drum life? Why these uncertainties?
• 50's Why is time moving so fast? Why is my body unreliable? How do I deal with failures/successes? Why is my marriage not great? Are the best years of my life over?
• 60's When do I stop doing the things that define me? Am I ready for old age? Why do I feel separated from the world? Do I have a spiritual legacy?
• 70's Does anyone know who I once was? How much of life do I still control? Why this irritability? How long will people miss me?

Since I'm now "into" my 50s, I'm going to skip the 60s and 70s and concentrate on the earlier decades....starting with the 20s. Truthfully, I was pretty ambitious and looking for "greener" grass during my early 20s. I graduated from the University of Montana at 20 and took my first job. It lasted 6 months. My second lasted two years, my third was three years and at age 26, I found myself newly married, with a new job in a new state and with a new home mortgage. I'm not really sure I had time left to ask myself any questions. I had a lot of energy and wanted to get my life established, begin a family and plant the seeds for a happy existence. One of the things I learned in my 20s is that are two ways of making money...one is to start with a lot of money and two is start with a lot of time. Since I didn't have a lot of money, I began saving. I'm proud to say I've never spent the savings from my 20s and have added to it since. While I'm not rich, I have built some cushion that will help us as we look at retirement. 

I continued to be ambitious in my 30s as well. Here is when I became deeply involved both with my company and with Toastmasters. I saw many opportunities open up to me with both and the synergies were pretty obvious. I was an executive speech writer, whose speeches were being heard in the largest financial markets throughout the United States. Also, I was traveling all over the United States and missing out on what seemed like my children's childhoods. Belinda was often home to raise the children. Some people adore that lifestyle. I didn't and found my career at odds with my values...especially when it ran counter to my children and their needs. So looking at these questions, I'm sure these, in fact, were the questions I was asking. And sometimes I wasn't enjoying the answers. 

In my 40s, I certainly faced a number of uncertainties, especially when I went through a career change at age 41. However, having already proven myself in my 20s and 30s, I had adopted the philosophy of one of Liz Taylor's many husbands who said, "I've been rich and I've been broke, but I've never been poor." As the decade progressed, I poured a lot more time into my family along with my career and decided that I liked the "new" me. 

Now, I've only been in my 50s officially for one year, but I agree that the years go by extremely fast. One son is out of college and beginning his own career and the second son has only two years left...unless he goes to graduate school. So I find myself pondering more and more of life with Belinda...without the children. At least, the children won't be as close as they have been. Grandpa has been an extension of our family for the last four years, but let's face it, he's not going to live forever either. And there's the questions about your human body. No, it doesn't perform like it once did. I had shoulder surgery in my 40s so I'm sure the Yankees won't be coming to sign me as a pitcher in my 50s. Also, my metabolism has slowed if not completely stopped. I'm going to be one who fights a constant battle with his weight. This is troubling when you watch your sons eat and eat, but you know your days of gluttony have ended and not for the better. To win the weight war means to eat less and exercise more. This is hard in North Dakota, especially in the winter when we seemingly have daylight from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Food becomes a major portion of what we do for entertainment. 

As for marriage, I couldn't be happier. I met and married my soulmate for life. However, I certainly feel for those who are struggling with their marriages. Life is simply too short and at 50 we know it.

So as I look back at the past 30 years, I'm generally happy with what has transpired. I'm not the eager beaver I was at 25, but I'm the wiser, more practical father and husband whom I'm proud to be. 

Summer activities

Growing up in Roundup, Montana, I saw a few Fourth of July rodeos. Living now in Mandan, North Dakota, I've never been to one....even though Mandan is the rodeo mecca of the state. In Roundup, I went to the rodeos because I knew a lot of the cowboys. Some were even my classmates. However, rodeos were never my cup of tea. I tend to think of them as being hot, dusty and taking up lots of time between events.

If I had my druthers, I would prefer being in a baseball park -- preferably Yankee Stadium -- on the Fourth of July. But I live in North Dakota, not the Bronx, so I'm left watching the men in pinstripes on my TV set. That isn't all bad, because the numerous TV cameras covering a major league baseball game truly give you a better view of the players and the action than watching the game in person. However, there's something about being there. Perhaps that why I still like to go see movies. There's something intrinscally interesting about watching a movie with people you don't know. Sometimes I'm the only person laughing out loud when something obviously hilarious happens to the actors. Did the other people fall asleep or perhaps they are not as clever at picking out the funny parts of the movie?

So I don't go to rodeos, nor baseball games...and actually don't see many movies. So what does occupy my time in the summer?

Probably number one is my garden. I love to grow a garden. Every morning, every evening and sometimes oftener, I go stand beside my garden and see what's growing now. My potatoes and peas are in bloom. I'll be eating peas in a week as some already have pods hanging down. The potatoes won't be harvested until the end of September when they've developed a good thick skin on them. We've eaten a lot of onions and lettuce already. I plant two kinds of lettuce -- leaf lettuce and romaine. Belinda likes to make a salad with both kinds of  lettuce, onions, dill and cream. It's a favorite around the house.

My beefsteak tomato plants, peppers and cucumbers also have budded and now are bearing fruits and vegetables. My winter squash plants are also looking nice but I haven't seen any blooms yet. Carrots and beets are also getting bigger but they need another week or two before I start to pick them. The sooner you pick these two, the sweeter they are...so I won't wait too long before tasting them. However, I'll let some grow though middle of September so we have some for the winter months.

Besides my garden, there is golf. I seem to be playing more golf this year. We always play a lot of golf at Mandan Muni where Scott has a yearly pass. But we've also played several times at Pebble Creek and Tom O'Leary. I'd like to play at Riverwood this summer. That's a beautiful course surround by stately cottonwoods. Tom O'Leary is fun because you are in the middle of town and ever hole seems to have another scenic view of Bismarck - such as the capitol or Bismarck State College.

I'll also play at Apple Creek east of Bismarck at the end of July in the Lignite Energy Council's CoalPac tournament. That event gets special attention because I'll be playing with two of my brothers-in-law along with Scott. We've been doing this event for seven or eight years and it's always a blast. When the golfing is done, we are treated to a big steak and baked potato out on the veranda of the country club. The view is of the verdant Apple Creek Valley covered with trees, bushes, fairways and greens.

There are also family reunions. This weekend, for instance, will be the Frohlich family reunion. When I first started going to these, there were a lot more of the great-grandmas and great-grandpas who showed up. Now, they've died and there are more of the great-grandchildren who show up. It's always interesting to see the new ones and visit with the old ones. Some of these are Belinda's uncles and aunts who we have breakfast with on Saturdays.

Then there is the Mandan Fourth of July parade. In Roundup, we were happy if the parade lasted a half hour...often it was a lot shorter than that. But in Mandan, the parade can last up to two hours or longer. So it's good to have plenty of sunscreen and a cooler with some liquids. A bag with some sunflower seeds and a comfortable chair are also nice. You'll never see more old tractors or horses or politicians that in the Mandan parade. The float from our church and the Mandan marching band in black and white uniforms are also highlights.

Luckily, we live about two blocks from the parade route so it's easy to get to and from Main Street. There's a lot of road construction in Mandan this year so it will be more difficult for people living out of town to see the parade.

Another favorite summer time activity is taking in the "Concerts in the Park." On Mondays through Thursdays, there is live music in Dykshoorn Park from 7:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. The Monday night concerts in June are the best because of the patriotic music played by the West River Winds, a big band with a huge sound. John Philip Sousa marches are standard fare and they always close with "Stars and Stripes Forever."

I've probably left out some other activities. But this is pretty standard stuff that I look forward to. The weather is warm in North Dakota during June, July and August so it's a great time to be outdoors. Oh, and I like homemade peach pies in the summer, too.

What I learned about life from a bunch of bird brains

In mid-May, a robin built a nest in our neighbor's bathroom window. We had a "birds-eye" view of the operation because the nest was 10 feet away from our kitchen window.

For about two weeks, the robin (or robins, I couldn't really tell) would come to the nest and incubate the eggs. With each passing day, my anticipation mounted because I wanted to see the baby chicks. When they were born, I was extremely disappointed because the chicks seemed to be nearly naked and were extremely ugly. I guess I thought they would look like the little yellow feathery chicks I saw on TV cartoons.

But mama robin didn't care. She brought all kinds of food to the nest and the babies got to where every day they were "begging" with their mouths wide open and their heads straight up for hours on end waiting to be fed.

With such a voracious appetite, it wasn't long before the chicks started growing. I think it was last Sunday that the nest had become completely full -- too small for the five chicks. The biggest chick was actually sitting on the others. This one was also preening his feathers and fluttering in front of the others. I was sure it wouldn't be long until he (or she) had flown away to hunt for bugs and worms.

Much to my chagrin, by Monday morning there were only two of the five chicks left and by Tuesday morning, they were all gone.

I had become attached to the little buggers or should I say 'bug eaters'. At first, I kept my distance from the nest, but by the time the chicks were growing feathers, I couldn't help myself. I had taken to walking up a step ladder and taking photos with a telephoto lens on a digital camera. I could almost see their eye-teeth in the back of their beaks.

Somehow, mama robin and the baby chicks must have accepted me as a necessary evil of building a home in town...I had become the annoying neighbor that they tried to avoid so I would go away. However, a squirrel in our neighborhood was not as lucky. The squirrel was probably 30 feet away but walking on the fence that went two feet from from the nest. Mama robin started flying as fast as she could and actually ran into Mr. Squirrel. This made a heckuva a thump and Mr. Squirrel quickly turned tail and ran away. Fur and feathers went flying...so did the robin.

Now I'm an empty nester -- actually, even the nest is gone -- so all I have are the memories....and about 2 million photos of mama robin and her chicks.

It's sort of like raising children...but it's too emotional to describe. Remember when the little tykes looked out the window and then came running to meet you when you drove home from work? Now they are gone because they are working themselves. And you are left wondering, "Had a I known it was going to go so fast, I would have done things differently and spent more time with them, and taken more pictures ...so I could enjoy the memories in my old age."

Well, at least next spring I'll have my robins again.

Random thoughts on graduation addresses

In the last couple of weeks, I've heard more than my share of speeches given by graduates and invited guests. As a person who loves to critique, let me offer some "do's" and "don'ts" for future graduation speakers.

Let's start with the "do's."

• You are not the president of the United States giving the State of the Union address, so be mindful of your audience and keep it short. Five minutes will feel like 50 minutes to an audience sitting on wooden bleachers in a high school gym sitting oddly with their neck cocked to see who's speaking. And some in the audience came an hour early to save seats, so remember these brave souls and keep your remarks short. The big event is seeing their loved one receive a diploma...everything else is secondary, including your speech.
• If you must quote someone, stick with Dr. Seuss, Yogi Berra or Will Rogers. This is not the occasion to quote Malcom X, Adolf Hitler, Chairman Mao or some other controversial historical figure.
• Remember that speeches can also entertain, not just bore people. The story to remember is that a speech should be like a mini-skirt...short enough to entice, but just long enough to cover the essentials. 
• Also try to remember who spoke or what they said at your graduation. You can't...so keep this in mind when you decide to give your "earth-shattering" dissertation. Be humble and be one of us. 
• Speak to communicate, not to impress. Your audience will simply find you arrogant if you choose words they don't understand or concepts that are too abstract. 
• If you feel compelled to offer advice to the audience, make sure it's something that can be universally agreed upon, like the old axiom "As you sow, so shall you reap." Leave the New Age philosophy for a coffee house talk on a college campus. 

I know, many of my "do's" sound like "don'ts....but there are also some obvious, plain old "don'ts". 

• Don't talk about issues that are controversial. No need to espouse the evils of global warming because half of your audience doesn't believe it's a problem. If you don't believe me, look at the national polls by George Gallup and others.
• Don't dabble in cliches, such as the "free speech." That's where the college president asks you if you believe in free speech. You say you do and the college president asks if you will speak at the commencement exercise and give a free speech. It was funny once upon a time, but it's now been done to death. 
• Don't offend people in your audience by using language that 30 years ago was questionable but today is deemed offensive. An example is describing a conference on your campus as a "powwow" between the muckety-mucks of your college and other institutions of higher learning. And this example is really one of the tamer ones I've heard. Come on people, this is now 2010. 
• If you are 18 years old and you are the class valedictorian, resist the temptation to tell all the parents and grandparents in the audience about the "keys to success" or the "meaning of life." At 18, you don't have the credentials and you won't be taken seriously. 
• And my last one goes back a few years to when one of my wife's sisters was graduating. The speaker was a retired superintendent in Glendive, Montana, who urged the students to move on to new learning opportunities. Unfortunately, in doing so, he insulted half the audience. He started about by saying that students might want to be teachers, a noble profession, and they could attend Eastern Montana College  as he had done. If they wanted to pursue an engineering degree, why there was always Montana State University or they could attend the University of Montana and seek a degree in geology or business. If they didn't feel they were up to college quite yet, then there was still the military who would train them to be soldiers. And if they didn't have they acumen for being a soldier, there was always "Harvard on the Hill." Now "Harvard on the Hill" was the colloquialism for Dawson Community College, a two-year school, perhaps best known for its rodeo teams. But still, I wondered how many people in the audience had either attended DCC as a full-time student or went to a night class to learn about computers or had a relative as a DCC alumnus. 

So there you have it. Keep it short, don't insult the audience and entertain them for five minutes. The best you can probably hope for is to not be remembered. If you do a terrible job, you will be remembered, but for all the wrong reasons. 

In honor of our mom

This Friday - May 7th - would have been my mom's 86th birthday. She died in June 2006 at the age of 82. The following year, her five children combined their talents through e-mail on a poem to remember her by. The poem was then published in our hometown newspaper, the Roundup Record-Tribune. Here's the poem -- we each wrote a few lines about things we remembered. My brother Randy finished the poem and I think he did a remarkable job.

Tribute to a loving mother, Evelyn Van Dyke

Every corner of my house holds memories

of the kind and caring woman my mother was to me.

My shelves are lined with porcelain figures

and ageless pictures of family.

A cross dangling gently from a window

 reminds me of her spiritual life.

In the yard, a meadowlark sings of springtime

 and we stroll together in my mind.

 I remember her kitchen with meat and potato dinners

and pies baked while we awaited friends and family.

Her smile welcomed all,

and everyone had a place and a plate to join in.

The secrets she knew, she shared with no one.

But good news of her extended family was conversation for many.

The sparkle in her eyes and the smile on her face were natural and genuine.

The world  might be hard but mom some how knew how to soften the landings.

She was rich in things that mattered – love, caring, sharing and feelings.

She could cry, or be stoic and she was often proud,

but never boastful of those she loved and held most dear.

 Although she bore the affects of diabetes and heart problems,

 she complained little,

  never let on that she had pain.

 Mom once said she felt like she was still 16;

 she never gave into feeling old --

Always ready for a drive and a game of cards.

“I thought of you again today, and asked God to say hello.

I know how happy you are when we call home.

I just like to stay in touch, may the Lord let you know

And I’m sure that He does, we love you very much”.

-- Your Children

An Easter Story

Crash, tumble, tumble, tumble, thud, moan…I didn’t actually hear the car wreck or see the driver thrown from the SUV…but I did hear my phone ring. It was 2 a.m. on April 5th 2009, and an emergency room nurse from Glendive was calling to tell us that our 17-year-old niece Janelle had fallen asleep on her way home and was found unconscious beside the highway on a frozen stretch of prairie by a couple of truck drivers. Janelle had called her parents at midnight and said she was driving home. When an hour passed and she hadn’t made it to the ranch, her dad went out in search of her. About 15 miles from home, he came upon the accident scene. The truck drivers had covered her with blankets and had called for an ambulance. She was alive…but just barely. In Glendive, the doctors and nurses determined that her injuries, including numerous broken bones, were beyond their level of care. As luck would have it, there was already a plane flying to Glendive from Bismarck. It was originally called for another person injured in a car wreck that same night. However, the family gave up that plane to Janelle as their loved one had been declared brain dead.

So after our phone call, began one of the longest nights of our lives. We didn’t know how soon the plane would be landing in Glendive and taking off with Janelle, so we decided to get up and go to the hospital in Bismarck and wait. And we waited. At about 7 a.m., an ambulance pulled into the hospital’s garage bay and I could see a team of medical professionals run out to take the gurney holding Janelle into the emergency room. Janelle’s mom, Amy, greeted us shortly in the waiting room. Her eyes were red and swollen from the tears she had already cried.

About an hour later, we were called into a small room and briefed by a doctor who told us the extent of her injuries: broken arms, broken legs, broken pelvis and the concussion to her brain. The outlook was pretty bleak.

We kept vigil at the hospital. Later that day, Janelle was moved to ICU. We waited and waited. Periodically, we got further briefings as the results of additional tests were released. Janelle’s dad had gone back to the ranch and loaded up his vehicle with suitcases full of clothes, not knowing how long his daughter would be in the hospital. His cows were calving but his neighbors would take over. Eventually, there would be planting, but his neighbors helped him with that as well. He arrived in Bismarck later in the morning. When he saw me, he came and threw his big arms around me and squeezed me. He finally could show some emotion and he cried. Trying to comfort him, I told him, “Don’t worry…everything would be all right.”

As soon as I said it, I regretted it. How did I know? I’m not a doctor. And the doctors I saw weren’t very optimistic. Later that afternoon, I got into ICU to see Janelle. She was swollen…to the point where it looked like her skin might pop. She was hooked onto several machines that were doing everything for her – breathing, feeding, you name it. She even had a tube connected to the top of her head. The doctors had removed a part of her scalp and her skull because they thought her brain would swell and they wanted to relieve the pressure. My beautiful niece – my god child – lie there motionless with her eyes closed. I had seen people motionless before. They were dead.

A week later was Easter…everyday or every evening for a week we had gone to the hospital. So for Easter, we all agreed to bring some food to the waiting room so we could share a meal together as we continued our vigil. Shortly before noon, the doctors called Janelle’s parents into a small room and gave them horrifying news. If she hadn’t started getting better by then, chances were slim to none that she would recover. With that added grief, we said our prayers and ate dinner…in silence.

Days turned into weeks and the news kept getting grimmer. She had opened her eyes, which we thought was a good sign, until we heard: “The lights are on, but nobody is home.” When a month had nearly passed, she was moved from the hospital in Bismarck to a swing unit in Mandan. More bad news. The doctors said she was just taking up a bed in Bismarck.

And then something happened…about five weeks after her accident. Her brother who was attending college in Montana came to Mandan one weekend and was taunting her, as brothers tend to do to their sisters. The people in the room were shocked when Janelle raised her middle finger as if giving her brother the bird. It might be the first and only time in our lives that we were happy to see such a thing.

Slowly at first, but with every passing day she began to wake up. She had to learn to walk again, to talk again, to use the bathroom again. Then she was moved back to the Bismarck hospital for more intensive therapies as the beginning of her senior year was fast approaching.

She started classes last fall in Glendive taking not only new classes, but also finishing the ones she hadn’t completed her junior year. She still suffered from some short-term memory loss, but doctors at the University of Minnesota told her parents that her memory would recover…just give it some time. And in the mean time, she would have to rely on notes.

Next month she will graduate and next fall she will start college. She’s come a long way in a year. This past weekend, about 30 of us gathered, at her home on the ranch between Glendive and Circle for Easter. It was largely the same 30 who had spent last Easter in the hospital.

This Easter I went up to her dad and threw my arms around him. We didn’t have to say anything. We both had the same thoughts. What a relief to be celebrating Easter on the Scheitlin Ranch.

But I had another nagging thought. Some people have a hard time celebrating Easter or believing the Easter story of how Jesus rose from the grave. But somehow seeing the miracle of Janelle LaRae Scheitlin first hand has strengthened my faith. I can tell you that her doctors didn’t think she was going to make it. The emergency room and acute care doctors are more shocked to see her alive and graduating from high school as an honor roll student than any of us.

Walking and sitting outside

Sunday, March 21, was memorable for several reasons. Among them were: Belinda and I took our first walk outside since last Fall. We're at an age where slipping on ice isn't an option so we wait until the ice has melted before we begin our walks.

Second, Grandpa and I sat outside and watched the cars and the trains. We didn't stay too long, but at least we were outside for a while.

While sitting outside, I made some observations. We have a new neighbor that we haven't met. That's because of the winter hibernation that we do in North Dakota. Hopefully, now that it warms up and we see people working in their yard, I will venture across the street and introduce myself.

Also, the snow pack has taken it's toll on the lawn. The grass is mashed down. Completely laying over on its side. I wonder if it will perk it's head up or will we need to rake to make the lawn look healthy again.

I also noticed the ducks and the geese flying north. The ducks are quiet. The geese are honking as they follow the river.

Lastly, I noticed a majestic pair of evergreens in a neighbors yard. I remember staring at the trees back in 2001 when I didn't have a job. I would be waiting at home for the phone to ring, and I would stare out the picture window at the big, majestic evergreens. They are beautiful trees, but when the leaves pop out on the other trees, the two evergreens simply fade into the background. But before the leaves bud, the evergreens are "king of the castle."

I don't know how much room the trees take up in the neighbor's yard, but it looks like a considerable amount...judging from my vantage point. Yet, I'm thankful for the homeowner who has never cut them down because they truly are beautiful....especially when they have a coating of snow on them.

But I didn't say that because I've seen enough snow for a long while. The snow that still lingers is like the last leaf on a tree in the fall. It knows it's days are numbered.