The Christmas letter I would like to write

I face the unenviable task of writing the Christmas letter both for my family and for my Dad. There are certain rules you have to follow when writing the letter. For instance, you have to mention every member of the family, and you have to keep the letter upbeat no matter how depressing the news is. So I'll write about our trip to San Francisco, the boys attending college, Belinda's annual journey to the Black Hills with her sisters and anything else that's upbeat and somewhat newsy.

Now in the case of my Dad who doesn't travel, creative writing is certainly a plus. Generally, you start off by noting how the great-grandkids are doing and you work your way up to the grandkids and then to the kids -- some who are nearing retirement age themselves. Still you keep the letter upbeat...no use in writing about the number of people dying who you used to write to and how you'll be saving a lot on stamps this year.

Unless, of course, you decide to finally write the letter that you've always wanted to...but never had the guts to do. Let's take a look at just what that letter might look like...but remember this is a made up family -- not mine.

Dear friend, acquaintenance or family member -- your choice!

This year has been the pits. A lot of people have died but none of them had the good sense to leave me any money so I continue to work for next to nothing at the same old boring job. If you plan on dying next year, would you please include me in your will. And if you have any extra money, please include some of my immediate family members as well. Finally, don't wait until next December to die...how about January or February?

I really don't want to talk about my sons and daughters in this letter because a couple of them made me mad and I'm not speaking to the others. Basically, my nights are spent with my feet up in front of the TV waiting for the phone to ring and have someone tell me that I won the lottery. I invested several hundred dollars this year in the lottery, which they tell me helps support the salaries for teachers at the local schools. You can imagine the amazed looks on the faces of the little kids who come to my house to sell me candy, popcorn and other assorted goodies to raise money for their class, band or chorus when I tell them that I already gave at the local bar on the way home from work when I bought 40 lottery tickets and none of them was a winner.

I'm also not going to mention my spouse. She's still hanging around the house and cooks my meals and washes my clothes. However, she's now making more money than me and she's so selfish that she won't share it with me so I'm buying my own beer and lottery tickets. She's also addicted to "Dancing with the Stars" and "House" so I don't get to watch my shows anymore. If this keeps up, I might just grab a book and start reading it. No...I'm just kidding.

I went to the doctor a couple of times this year. I took the cat to the vet and he had an operation. So he's not a Tom cat anymore. I'm supposed to get an operation also, but the cat didn't like his and I don't think I would like mine so my resolution next year is not to go see the doctor anymore.

Well, I think I mentioned everyone important to me...with the exception of my car. It's still the 1988 Pontiac. I think the paint quit falling off so it looks about the same.

Have a Merry Christmas...I know I will.