If I could write a pilot for a TV sitcom....

I've spent a good deal of my life sitting in front of the TV set watching situation comedies. Some of them -- like Seinfeld, The Office, King of the Hill, Modern Family and the Big Bang Theory -- I nearly have memorized.

So it seems to me that I could write for any of them. I know the characters. I understand their distinct speech patterns so I can write dialogue for all of the characters from Bobby Hill to Sheldon Cooper.

But what I would really like to do is write a pilot for a new sitcom. Call it the "Steve Van Dyke Show." The stars would be my family. We don't have a quirky neighbor but we do have a quirky guest who lives with us 24-hours-a-day...my dad.

Last night for instance, he sat in the exact spot where Scott wanted to sit on the couch. Scott came home from work about 6:45 p.m. so the rest of us had already finished dinner in the kitchen.

Scott was warming up his food while hoping to settle down on the couch, enjoy dinner and watch the Red Sox game. To mark his spot, Scott placed his water glass on a stand next to the spot he hoped to sit.

Unfortunately, Scott was still putting the final touches on his soup and sandwich when Grandpa sat down...in Scott's spot. Scott had to sit in the middle of the couch, much to his dismay.

Normally, this isn't a big deal as dad has a hard time sitting still and gets up several times to check on his cat, go to the bathroom, feed his cat, go to the bathroom or just generally roam around the house.

But last night was different. Grandpa sat down at the end of the couch and a Mack truck couldn't budge him.

Scott really wanted to sit next to his water and watch the Red Sox, so he got up and found dad's cat. He placed Picasso next to his kitty food dish in hopes that Grandpa would spring to his feet to see if the cat had food. But Grandpa didn't move.

Picasso wasn't hungry so the cat simply looked at his food dish and then slowly wandered into the livingroom and then back to the office where he proceeded to take a nap.

Finally, Scott needed a drink of water. No problem. He asked for his water and Grandpa ignored him. Probably because Grandpa can't hear. So I picked up Scott's water and handed it to Grandpa to hand it to Scott. However, Grandpa said he didn't want any water. He wasn't thirsty.

I loudly told him that it wasn't for him. Scott wanted the water. So Grandpa got involved in the process and passed the water to Scott. However, after Scott had gotten a drink of water, Grandpa again didn't want to take the glass because he still wasn't thirsty.

After a while, I got up to go to the bathroom. This finally tilted the game in Scott's favor.

Grandpa had to see where I had gone, so I when I emerged from the hallway, I could see that all was right with the world. Grandpa was in the office by his cat and Scott was sitting next to his water.

I don't know if there are enough laughs in my TV pilot or not, but I know I sure enjoyed laughing at the antics of Scott and how Grandpa just ignored him.