Without salt, sugar, fat, carbs and soda, life gets tasteless

I know a man who suffers from a debilitating disease. He's like a walking chemistry lab as the doctors work to keep his body in balance, literally through science and pills. In the last several years, he's lost a lot of weight. I asked him what his secret is and he said, "food doesn't taste good anymore."

I laughed when I heard the answer because food has always tasted good...until now. My latest setback came Tuesday afternoon when a nurse told me that I was "mildly diabetic and had kidney failure probably due to higher than normal blood sugar levels so for the next three months I should restrict my sugar and carbohydrates and then we'll test you again."

Regarding the kidney failure, the nurse told me to stay off coffee, tea and pop. Only drink water. I was already off of caffeine so I haven't been drinking tea and coffee, but I did enjoy the occasional diet root beer or diet, caffeine-free Mountain Dew, but those choices are now gone as well. Like a line from one of my favorite movies, the dad says to his mis-behaving little boy, "Gee, your water looks tasty."

Really, I thought...what can I eat? My darling wife called my doctor's nurse and suddenly we were registered for two classes in May. One is with a dietitian and the other is with an expert on diabetes.

I haven't had the classes yet, so to be on the safe side, my meals have become pretty bland -- as in no taste and no reason for eating. Suddenly I feel like my friend with Parkinson's. There are times when I get up from the table and I want to go throw up because the meal tasted so badly.

All I want is something that tastes fairly close to what it used to taste like. My wife is a real trooper and works very hard to make sure I comply with the doctor's recommendations. So what I'm saying is no knock on her cooking skills...but honestly, sometimes I think my tongue is covered with wax because what I'm eating has no taste.

There are exceptions. A tuna fish sandwich on no salt bread still tastes pretty good. In fact, it tastes better than it did when I was eating other things. See, that's all I ask for. Just give me food that tastes like it used to.

I've already whined elsewhere about my attempt at homemade, no salt sausage and how terrible it was. I ended up throwing out most of it.

Well, my dear wife tried it again...thinking she could add a few more ingredients and it would taste better. Well, it didn't. She made it for lunch one day along with some "applesauce" pancakes. I had to put peanut butter and sugar free syrup on the pancakes to give them some taste and then cut up my sausage patty and eat a piece with every bite of pancake. I know dad hated it as well as he was more than willing to give away his sausage. Generally, if you make an attempt at some food on his plate, you'll end up with a fork in the back of your hand.

A week ago, I had lasagna with low sodium spaghetti sauce at my sister-in-law's house, and that tasted pretty good. In fact, I had a second piece and a second slice of garlic toast. But that was before I was cutting back on my carbs.

So tonight, dad and I will be dining on baked fish, baked potato (only pepper and low fat, low sodium margarine) along with a small salad. Yeah, that's right...I'm on a blood thinner so I have to also watch how much green leafy vegetables I eat as that seems to counteract the blood thinner.

Every day I drive by seemingly endless restaurants and fast food joints that I used to patronize. Now, they are only fond memories...like your first kiss or your first true love. They cook with way too much salt, and the portions are gigantic compared to what I get to eat.

So to sum it up...if you can eat and enjoy food, go get 'em. But please understand if I'm walking a little slower to the dinner table now days and leaving less satisfied.